ppemberton

We here at My SLO County are very careful to remain politically unbiased – not so much because it’s a good idea to let readers make decisions for themselves, but, rather, because our bosses want it that way.

So we’ve refrained from Grudge Matches that pit, say, Obama versus McCain, Palin versus Biden or Chuck Norris (Republican) versus Steven Seagal (Democrat???). Yet, we also want to be topical because, well – that’s just how we roll.

So this week’s Grudge match pits the two symbols of the major political parties: the donkey and the elephant.

The trick is, of course, to remain neutral in this challenge. So, for instance, we shouldn’t say the elephant is a bungling, fat, pompous animal that loves war. Nor should we say the donkey is a stubborn, silly ass that dreams of raising taxes.

We won’t do that.

Instead, Danny and I will argue the merits of each animal based on its qualities as an animal. And with that in mind, I have to argue for the donkey.

First of all, I know what you’re thinking: Jackass.

Dumb. Stubborn. Eeyore.

But that’s because the jackass has been unfairly, methodically swift boated through the years -- by elephants.

All right – maybe not. But here’s why the donkey rules:

• In the Middle East, circa, 1800 B.C., the city of Damascus was called “City of Asses” (not “City of Elephants”) because donkeys were so vital to trade.
• Ancient Romans valued donkeys so much, they sacrificed them. They obviously didn’t value elephants enough to kill them.
• Columbus sailed to the New World with six donkeys (and zero elephants).
•  When George Washington became president, he imported donkeys to the U.S. from Spain and France. We can only assume our first president was suspicious of elephants.
• In World War I, a British soldier named John Simpson Kirkpatrick saved hundreds of soldiers with a donkey. Elephants are not war heroes.
• In “Animal Farm,” Benjamin is a wise old donkey, who is onto the pigs and their schemes, begging the question: Where were the elephants when all this was going on?
• In “Don Quixote,” the main character does NOT ride an elephant.

Danny

Not being a member of the Editorial department, I actually get to show all the bias I want.  My opinion doesn’t and isn’t supposed to represent the opinion of the Tribune, because I’m not deemed important enough for it to matter.  I’m fine with that, really, because it gives me the freedom to express my unyielding and completely biased support for…  Elephants!

Pat, your arguments are weak.  Weak, small, furry and smelly.  And they bite.

Donkeys are lame.  I mean, come on; when you go to the zoo, do you rush to the donkey exhibit?  No.  You make a beeline straight for the monkeys, but THEN, you go take a look at the… tigers.  OK, but after the tigers, it’s off to the elephants, right?  Right.

Let’s look at why elephants are so much better than stupid donkeys:

• Donkeys are pitiful, whiny creatures that spend all day working on things that ultimately don’t matter.  Much like Pat.
• Elephants at least take a bath when they stink.  Donkeys smell like… well, donkeys, and do not bathe.  Much like Pat. 
• If an elephant gets mad at you, he’ll squish you.  If a donkey gets mad at you, he’ll bite you.  Much like Pat.
• A fully grown elephant will poop an impressive 80 pounds in a day.  Much like Pat.

It’s clear that donkeys, just like Pat, are vastly inferior to elephants.  There can be no contest as to which would win in a fight, which is more intimidating, or which poops more.  You just can’t beat the elephant in those categories, and as we all know, those are the ones that count.

Donkeys have been used as cheap labour on farms for many, many years, and that’s about it.  They serve a purpose, sure, but it’s a boring one that doesn’t involve squishing things.  Elephants, on the other hand, squish things all day long – they live to squish things.

So, here, if nowhere else, you need to cast your vote for elephants, because here, if nowhere else, they are clearly the better candidates. Vote elephant in 2008.