Danny

Last week, our beloved, yet misguided Pat came to my desk to express his excitement that Rod Stewart was coming to the fair.  He looked at me with his innocent little face, his eyes gleaming with wonderment and expectation.  I almost couldn’t do it, but in the end I managed to muster my response.

“Meh.”

The transformation was astounding.  Pat’s expression changed from one of friendly camaraderie to outright hostility.  “You don’t like Rod Stewart?  How can you not like him, he’s a fellow Scot!”

And it’s true, I don’t like Rod Stewart.  He annoys me, sorry Pat.  Pat immediately challenged me to a Grudge Match pitting Rod Stewart against any other Scot of my choosing.  Of course, my mind started racing as to who I should pick, I mean, by default Scots start at a higher level of awesomnecity than any other nationality, so the choice was a difficult one.  In the end though, I selected Sean Connery, because I don’t like to leave anything to chance, and seriously, who could ever hope to beat the mighty Sean?

It’s a foregone conclusion, right?  I mean I even thought about just putting myself up against Rod Stewart, check out these stats comparing us:

See?  Even I am more awesome than Rod Stewart.  But no one has ever heard of me, which is why I have selected Sean Connery to battle in my place.  Yes, I know he’s even older than Rod Stewart, but I’ll forgive him that because, well, he’s Sean Connery. 

Since we already know enough reasons that Rod Stewart is lame, let’s just concentrate on why Sean is awesome.  For starters he played James Bond better than anyone else, I’ll hear no arguments to that.  Everyone else is just pretending, Sean is bond.  More impressive, he managed to play a Spanish immortal and a Russian submarine captain using the same (Scottish) accent, and no one had the guts to question him.

In the end, even Pat himself admits that Rod Stewart is merely, OK, while Sean Connery is, and always will be awesome.

ppemberton

Okay, first of all, a little qualifier:

Rod Stewart isn’t really that Scottish.

I mean, yeah, his parents and all of his siblings were born in Scotland. So that makes him kind of, sort of Scottish. Quasi-Scottish, if you will. But the dude was born and raised in England, which – last I heard, from Wikipedia – was NOT in Scotland.

But, really, there are so few Scots of note – aside from, say, Sheena Easton and Groundskeeper Willie from “The Simpsons” – that the people from Scotland desperately try to claim him as their own. Otherwise, their most famous people would be Craig Ferguson and some guy who calls himself Mr Egg.

So Danny really should be a huge Rod Stewart fan. Because even though Rod Stewart isn’t really Scottish, he’s clearly the most talented Scot of them all – one that does his country* proud.

Now Danny will resort to all sorts of cheap tactics, like, for instance, linking a photo of Stewart supposedly breast feeding. Obviously, if you look at that picture closely, you can see that our good Rod is simply performing a routine examination of his wife’s, ah –

Well, forget that rubbish. At least, Stewart doesn’t beat his wife, which apparently is something Sean Connery likes to do in his spare time.

But this isn’t a political campaign, so I’ll refrain from negative attacks and take the high road. Which, in this case, leads directly to “Maggie May,” one of the greatest rock songs ever written. Great lyrics, classical guitar, raw vocals, -- it’s got it all.

And whose song is it?

Hint: not Sean Connery’s.

But Stewart isn’t like Scottish band Garbage. He actually has LOTS of hits. To name a few: “You Wear It Well,” “Hot Legs,” “Tonight’s the Night,” “”Stay With Me,” “You’re In My Heart” – I could on go on and on and on. But suffice it to say that the Scots LOVE Rod Stewart.

Except for Danny, who, therefore, must not be a real Scot.

Like Rod Stewart, actually.

* England