Danny

It’s a simple fact of life that robots are awesome.  There’s no denying it, no fighting it, and honestly, there’s no argument to be had in a battle between robots and monsters.

Still, Pat feels that there’s room for discussion here, and who am I to deny him of his futile quest, and ultimate embarrassment?

Possibly the single most exciting thing in the entertainment world right now is the fact that Short Circuit, the greatest movie ever made, and crown jewel of Steve Guttenberg’s career, is going to be remade.  At least that’s the rumour that’s going around and it’s one I am choosing to believe.  Seriously, what’s cooler than a highly sophisticated robotic weapon suddenly becoming self aware and developing a conscience?  Well, other than becoming self aware and then going on a killing spree?

Robots have it all.  They exist to do our bidding, unquestioningly performing the tasks that we don’t want to, never tiring, or getting bored.  They are the perfect addition to any household or business, unlike monsters, which you probably wouldn’t want helping out around the house.  Also, robots are strong, made of metal, and eat old people’s medicine for fuel.  That’s three more bonuses for robots.

Sure, monsters might have big teeth, bolts through their necks, and superhuman strength, but at the end of the day, if you give them a cookie, they’ll leave you alone.  I’m fairly certain that robots don’t like cookies, and therefore are less likely to be appeased by them, or any other baked goods.  Nothing stops a robot, except maybe another robot.

Don’t get me wrong, monsters are alright, and they have their place, I guess, but they just can’t stand up to the undeniable coolness of robots, unless maybe if you had a ROBOT MONSTER!  Wait, maybe not.

ppemberton

Well, I hate to shoot Danny’s little robot fantasies down so quickly. But monster dominance over robots can be summed up with one little word:

Water.

Let’s just say a monster and a robot were about to thrown down. All the monster would have to do is throw a bucket of water on the robot and then – ssszzzztttt -- goodnight, robot.

If you try to throw water on a monster, however, the monster would be like, “Uh . . . water? What’s up with that?”

In fact, some monsters even like water.

Besides water, though, monster are just bigger, badder and nastier. I mean, think about it. When you were a kid, were you afraid of robots under your bed?

Hardly. In fact, I seem to recall purposely putting my R2-D2 action figure under there.

And have you ever seen a robot  take out a skyline?

I didn’t think so.  In fact, robots are lame. Remember that glorified trash can they called a robot from “Lost in Space?” What a wuss. All you had to do was take out his memory card or whatever it was and he basically fell asleep.

Somebody get that robot a Red Bull!

Monsters have been around for thousands of years. Remember that Cyclops dude? Robots, on the other hand, have only been around since, well – robot times.

Monsters also come in varieties. You’ve got your mummies, your vampires, your giant mutant lizards, your dead guys put back together, etc. Robots? Well, there are metal ones. And, uh, other metal ones. And, uh, Steve Austin.

I’m here to tell you that robots will never take over the world. But you’d better keep checking under your bed at night. Because monsters are for real.

And they’re scary.