ppemberton

Remember when that whole Tickle Me, Elmo craze was happening a few years ago?

Well, I didn’t want to tickle Elmo – I wanted to punch Elmo.

Not that I hate Muppets – I love Muppets. It’s just that Elmo in particular really got on my nerves. Worse than Barney even.

That falsetto voice is just . . . grating. And the thing is, he tries to be all cute and friendly, but in reality, he’s EVIL.

Considering his sinister ways, it seemed appropriate that we pair him in this week’s Grudge Match with another hell raiser. That’s right –Dora the Explorer.

Here are my top five reasons Dora would thump on Elmo:

1. Elmo is a wuss.

Just look at his spindly arms. Has this guy ever lifted a weight before?

2. Dora is a bad ass

You know she’s into sports, right? One sport they don’t show her participate in – because of censors or something – is ultimate fighting. According to the Internet(s) she once administered a massive neck crank on Swiper that kept him out of dodge ball for three weeks.

3. Elmo is vulnerable.

I mean, really. All you have to do is tickle the dude, and he has a 2-minute coniption.

4. Dora has a secret weapon.

Even in the event that Elmo did sneak in a lucky shot – as if he could – Dora has a magic backpack. That backpack has been known to produce things like ladders and space suits. So why not brass knuckles?

5. Elmo is a monster.

Although monsters are scary and ugly, they are notoriously weak when it comes to grappling. Plus, this particular monster has a lot of hair to pull. And, if need be, I think you can pluck his nose off.

Danny, of course, disagrees. But I happen to know he’s also biased: I heard, he still sleeps with his Elmo doll -- and even has tea parties with Elmo, Curious George and Funshine Bear.

Danny

Hey, lay off Elmo!  He never did anything to hurt anyone.  OK, so he makes the occasional death threat, but seriously, who hasn’t?  He’s only human, sort of.

Elmo taught me everything I needed to know, from the alphabet, to how to count to 10, to how to find Ernie when he runs off someplace.  Dora is a one-trick pony, she teaches kids Spanish.  Not even useful Spanish, like how to order a beer or swear at people, she just teaches you creepy pedophile terms like “let’s go” and “hey, want to see a puppy?  Get in my car”.

Pat complains that Elmo’s voice is grating.  OK, fair enough, but have you ever actually watched an episode of Dora the Explorer?  Having the same four words chanted at me 200 times is not my idea of entertainment, I’m pretty sure that even as a preschooler, I would have run screaming from the room whenever that show started.  At least Elmo is only on screen for a few minutes before some other Muppet takes over.

There are plenty of reasons to hate Dora:

1. Dora teaches kids that hanging out with feral monkeys is a good idea.  It isn’t, that’s a great way to get all kinds of nasy diseases.
2. Dora teaches kids that when attacked by a wild animal, an acceptable defense is to tell it to stop.
3. Dora teaches kids that walking around in the woods alone is a great way to spend time, I don’t know about you Pat, but I don’t want to test that out with my kids.
4. Dora is evil

Elmo, on the other hand, is awesome.  He’s a monster, which, by default makes him much tougher than some little girl with a funny haircut.  Seriously, if Elmo ever actually had to fight Dora, he’d just end up eating her.  I know, there’s no physical evidence that Elmo eats kids, but he does hang out with them a lot, you never see the same ones the next week, and you never see him eating a cheeseburger, do you?