Danny

With Mother’s Day fast approaching (it’s this Sunday, so go buy your poor mom some flowers, you ungrateful punk), we’ve decided to theme the Grudge Match accordingly.  Now, witness a true clash of the Titans as we match up Roseanne Connor vs. Carol Brady.

Obviously, Roseanne is the clear winner here, both in physical stature and mothering ability.  Let’s put aside the fact that Roseanne could completely crush Carol in a fight and concentrate on which of the two is the better mother.

To begin with, Roseanne worked hard to provide the best life she could for her family.  Often, she worked two jobs in addition to running the household and making inappropriate wisecracks.  Carol Brady is a homemaker, which is a very noble vocation, or it would be if she didn’t have a maid to take care of running the household and raising the kids for her.  Seriously, what did the woman do all day?  I’m pretty convinced that she got married to (gay architect) Mike because there was no other way to continue her slothful lifestyle.  Maybe if she’d got off her butt and got a job, her kids wouldn’t have had to sleep 3 to a room.

OK, so Carol has 6 kids (although only three of them are biologically hers) to Roseanne’s 3. The worst those kids do though is play ball in the house and break a vase, or smoke the occasional cigarette (well, there’s also the implied sexual frustration between the older kids, but let’s not go there).  The Connor kids keep Roseanne busy by eloping with teenage rebel boyfriends at age 17, putting snakes in their parents’ bed, and telling their teacher that their dad was killed by a sniper in order to avoid homework.  Yet somehow, Roseanne manages to deal with these situations without resorting to violence (well, most of the time, anyway), and within the allotted half hour time slot.

The bottom line here though is this: Roseanne is actually funny, Carol Brady isn’t.  Not even a little bit.

ppemberton

I’ll agree that Roseanne would win in a fight between the two. In fact, I imagine Roseanne is the sort of person who would bite someone in a brawl.

But this is Mother’s Day, so we’re focusing on things that make you a good mom. And clearly Carole Brady wins.

First of all, let’s consider Roseanne for a moment: Her kids are depressed, they take drugs, they mutilate dolls, steal cars and sleep around.

That sound like the product of a good mom to you? I guess it does – if she’s compared to Mommie Dearest and Jason’s mom from “Friday the 13th.”

The Brady kids weren’t worried about getting pregnant. They worried about not getting invited to parties. Getting dumped by a boyfriend. And reaching puberty just before the family band is set to sing on TV.

Yeah, I know. Rough life.

Okay, so Carole has no job and a maid. Some might see that as, I don’t know – lazy, maybe. But I submit she has the maid so she can focus on mothering. And, of course, the hours of behind-the-scenes charity work that was obviously cut from the show by heartless editors.

And consider this: Not only was she a good mom to her own three kids, but she was also a good mom to her step kids.

Did she force Peter to mop the floors while her real kids went to the ball? No, she doted on him -- even after he eavesdropped on her.

Can you imagine what Roseanne would have done to D.J. in that scenario?

Probably would’ve told him to steal a car.