ppemberton

Someone* once said, “There are two kinds of people in the world – cat people and dog people.”

And I would have to heartily agree.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love dogs. In fact, I have a wonderful dog named Mona, whom I rarely have to beat.

Just kidding. I don’t beat dogs – just babies.

No, no – kidding again. Fact is, I couldn’t even beat an egg, even if it made fun of my mother. (I hear those eggs can be pretty rotten.)

My point, though, is this: Cats rule.

When I was a younger guy, my friends thought my cat affinity was an odd thing. They seemed to think it was somehow less manly to prefer cats to dogs. I should add that these guys also thought I was girly for taking baths instead of showers – as if a guy is effeminate because he shaves his legs lying down instead of standing up.

But back to cats. Here are the top ten reasons why cats are better than dogs, starting with the most obvious:

• 10.)Litter boxes. Does our cat Lucy lick us in the face at 3 a.m. because she needs to fertilize the lawn? Certainly not. She’s a cat, and cats are smart enough to use a box, which leads to:
• 9.)  Dogs are morons. You notice how you always see those cats on TV** that can flush a toilet and take out the trash? I’d like to see a dog do that. But dogs are simple creatures that chase their tails and eat crap.
• 8.) Dogs eat crap.
• 7.) Dogs need constant attention. I actually have a friend who can’t leave town for more than a few hours because of his dogs. You can leave a cat alone for months, as long as you leave the fish bowl within paw’s reach.
• 6.) Dogs die sooner. George Carlin once said – or, at least someone told me George Carlin once said – that pets are little tragedies waiting to happen. That’s especially true with dogs, which live slightly longer than goldfish. Cats (magic ones, anyway) can live to a hundred.
• 5.) Cats won’t maul your baby. When a couple has a baby, they’re not sitting around the house thinking, “Should we get a pitbull?” Lands no! Because we all know that the one thing pitbulls love to eat more than crap is babies.
• 4.) Dog’s smell like dog. If someone can find a way to surgically implant a cat tongue into a dog’s mouth, I’ll give them a million bucks in Monopoly money. Because it seems like two days after I wash Mona, she stinks again. Cats wash themselves, which is not only convenient but also cute to watch.
• 3.) Kittens are the cutest things in the world. No offense to our daughter, of course.
• 2.) Cats chase mice. Dogs chase their tails. (See #9)
• 1.) Dogs bark like maniacs. Your neighbor is not going to complain to you because your cat was meowing too loud. But an incessantly barking dog is sure to draw some complaints, making things forever awkward between you two.

Now Justin’s going to say all this stuff about dogs protecting us, chasing Frisbees and all that gibberish. But I happen to know that he’s in the back pocket of the all-powerful dog lobby.

*Me, actually
** Like Tom from “Tom & Jerry”

jhoeger

“So,” said Danny, “Pat challenged me to a grudge match. Dogs vs. cats. Thing is, I don’t have a dog.”
Well, that’s more or less what he said. Remember, he’s Scottish, so he talks in that Scottish way. Just imagine it’s Christopher Lambert from “Highlander” speaking his lines — it’ll help.
“I’ve got a dog, I can do it,” I said. I sound like I’m from California, because I am.
“Oh really?” he said.
“In fact, I’ve got two dogs!” I sent him a photo of my dogs. This photo:

Danny responded with some horrible, unkind things. But I remained steadfast and determined to defend my favorite domestic animal. I took up the challenge that Danny was too craven to answer! And so it comes to this.
Pat has one dog and one cat. I have two dogs and two cats. That makes me twice as qualified to know what’s what when it comes to the truth about cats and dogs.
And here’s the truth: Dogs are better. I don’t care what Pat said in his entry about the relative virtues of kitties, and all the gross things dogs do, or whatever — he’s wrong. Dogs are terrific.
Here’s the main reason why: Dogs ruv roo! I mean, they love you. They really do! There are other reasons, but that’s the one that matters most.
Don’t get me wrong. I love cats. But the cats, they don’t really care. Oh, they like me, I guess, especially when I pet them, and they let their opinions be known about the current cat-food shortage or the sorry state of their litter boxes.
But how many times have you read about cats saving a family from a fire? I’ll bet the number is zero times. Meanwhile, a dog saved a family from a house fire just the other day. The story doesn’t say anything about a cat, but here’s how I imagine this sort of scene goes down:

Pretty compelling scene, isn’t it? I made that out of clipart — and I work by commission, if you like what you see.
Anyway, dogs are also soft and fun to pet. So are cats, but do dogs have sharp teeth in their feet? No. But cats do. And they like to knead you as you pet them. Ouch!
Cats are independent, which can be nice — they can be left to their own devices for a weekend as long as there’s food and water for them. If you leave a dog like that you’ll probably have a torn-up couch or something when you come back.
But unlike dogs, you can’t really take cats with you wherever you want to go — they’re likely to wander off and explore, or to hide when it’s time to go home.
Dogs can even help you exercise — they need to walk and play often, and they can’t entertain themselves forever. It’s fun, and it gets you moving. Ever try to walk a cat around the block? You can do it, but it’s not as easy or as fun.
I could go on, but I want to give Pat a chance to defend his already shaky position. But once again, in short: Dogs love you. Cats just like you.