ppemberton

Here at the Grudge Match, we like to tackle the hard-hitting issues of the day. Which is why we’ve spearheaded thought-provoking debates on topics like Terminator v. Predator, football v. soccer and rock v. paper v. scissors.

The national media, of course, ignores these issues because they want to focus on fluff. But we know you expect more.

Which is why today we bring you yet another weighty issue: SANDALS v. shoes.

Few would argue the importance of footwear. I mean, seriously -- have you ever stepped on a bee with a bare foot?

Ouchy wah-wah.

But clearly not all footwear is created equal. And I’m here to tell you why sandals are better.

Of course, some will try to argue against the merits of sandals. But I submit that those who don’t like sandals dislike them for one reason:

Ugly feet.

Well, I can’t be responsible for Danny’s hideous flappers. In fact, if you do have mutant feet, then, yeah, you should probably wear shoes. In fact, go ahead and wear boots. Basically, anything that keeps your cloven monstrosities from scaring children and domesticated animals.

For the rest of you, consider sandals for these reasons:

1. NO SOCKS!

   I haven’t seen Danny’s socks – nor do I plan to any time soon – but I’ll bet they have holes in them. In fact, most guys wear socks with holes in them because, like, dudes just aren’t into buying socks. I mean, really. When it comes time to plop down money for something, do you want to dish out money for socks or something truly useful, like, say, a neon Budweiser clock?

2. Jesus wore sandals.

   Did Jesus cruise Nazareth waiting for a pickup game while wearing his Air Jordans? Hardly. He worked to procure eternal salvation -- wearing sandals. And, I might add, he looked pretty sharp in them.

3. No shoe laces.

   Hey, let’s face it – not everyone’s a brainiac. So why make life harder by requiring them to tie their shoes?

4. Foot fungus.

   Yeah, I know – ew. The word itself sound yucky.

   Fungus.

   But you’re far less likely to get a you-know-what with sandals, which doesn’t trap in air like those fungus nurseries we call shoes.

5. We live on the Central Coast!

   When you get to the beach, you don’t want to fumble with your shoe laces (see #3) and socks (#1). You want your bare feet on the sand as quickly as possible. And the quickest way to get barefoot is to wear sandals.

6. They’re easy to make.

   When the forthcoming depression hits, many of us won’t be able to afford fancy schmancy items, like shoes. Thankfully, the ancient Egyptians taught us that sandals are easy to make.

Anyone got some papyrus I can borrow?

Danny

Sandals are the root of all evil, plain and simple.  They are the most unsightly, uncomfortable, unworkable footwear ever created, and they must be stopped.  Somehow, Pat seems to think that sandals are acceptable attire, but he’s some crazy hippy type guy and for this, he must be dealt with.

Let’s look at his arguments and debunk them, shall we?

1. NO SOCKS.

   Socks are great.  Pat acknowledges that he hasn’t seen my socks, and for good reason.  They are safely housed within my shoes, where they should be.  However, consider this; if you visit a friend’s house, and they have a “no shoe” policy, would you rather walk around in your socks, or barefoot?  Right, socks because they are warm and comfy and just generally awesome.

2. Jesus wore sandals.

   True, he did, but given the option, I’ll bet he’d have gone for a nice pair of Sketchers or something.  But no one had created surfer footwear yet, so, obviously he could have no preference.  Besides, what carpenter in his right mind nowadays would walk around in sandals?  Right, none.

3. No shoe laces.

   The lack of laces are one of the things that make sandals worthless, have you ever tried to run in them?  Impossible.  They end up left behind, and then you have to run back barefoot to retrieve them.

4. Foot fungus.

   OK, that’s pretty gross, but I’d contest that having your feet exposed to the contaminants of the outside world, in fact makes them just as, if not MORE susceptible to all kinds of nasty diseases.

5. We live on the Central Coast.

   Yes, we do.  Thanks for pointing that out, Pat.  Problem is, unless you already live at the beach here, you need to drive down there.  Driving in sandals is inconvenient and probably dangerous.

6. They’re easy to make.

   When the depression hits, even more of our shoe/sandal production will be outsourced to sweatshops in foreign countries, so it doesn’t matter that they’re easy to make.

You know why I hate sandals?  Stuff gets stuck in them.  I don’t like walking around to find that I have a rock/nail/shard of glass/baby hippopotamus wedged in between my foot and the sole of my footwear.  It hurts.  That’s way less likely to happen when your foot is safely encased in a shoe.

The bottom line is, no one wants to see your feet.  Feet are not pretty, and they smell bad, so just do everyone a favour and cover them up with some shoes.