chrissy

In this week’s Grudge Match, we’re taking on an age-old problem-solving, diplomacy-furthering, who-gets-to-ride-shotgun-deciding tool: rock-paper-scissors! In an ironic twist, however, we’re disregarding the conventional hand-gesture hierarchy and making our cases for which of the three items truly beats the rest. (Hint: It’s rock.)

Initially, we had planned to decide which of us defends rock, paper and scissors by playing rock-paper-scissors. Because that’s funny! But Pat ruined it by declaring his preference (scissors) and then sneaking out of the office before Danny and I could stop him. So, Danny and I decided to just choose among the leftovers. At Joe’s urging, I chose rock, which left Danny with paper and, like Pat, a slim chance of victory.

And why’s that, you ask? Because rock CRUSHES the competition. It BEATS paper to a pulp. It, um, FORGES scissors into an ungodly mess of metal. In short: Rock rules! Here’s a few reasons why:

• Rock is a mighty, bone-crushing weapon. A sure way to win any battle is to be more powerful and more fearsome than your foes. Which is easy when your foes are paper and scissors. When’s the last time you heard about a gruesome attack involving paper and/or scissors? I’ll answer that for you: Never, because gruesome attackers use rocks! (Or guns, or crude homemade explosives, or shoulder-fired rocket launchers ...)

If someone really wanted to hurt you, and all they had at their disposal was a rock — you’re pretty much dead meat. But if someone really wanted to hurt you and all they had was a piece of paper or some scissors ... what are they going to do? Give you a paper cut? Snip off your split ends? Your likelihood of survival after a brutal beating with a rolled-up sheet of paper or a run-in with one of these bad boys is pretty good, I’d say.

• Rock is a time-tested boon to local economies. Everyone here is always bragging about Morro Rock: “Come see Morro Rock!” “Ooh, look at Morro Rock!” “Hey, if it isn’t Morro Rock!” Not so much about Morro Reams of Paper, or Morro Pair of Scissors — although those things surely exist in abundance throughout the city — but always about Morro Rock. That’s really indisputable evidence that rock is the best. And it’s not just local rock that people love — there’s Stonehenge, Mount Rushmore, the Grand Canyon, Half Dome and so on. Tourists flock to those things like crazy. Why? Beats me. But it supports my argument, so I’m going with it.

• Rock has more rhymes. It’s a well-documented fact that the most persuasive and trusted form of writing that’s ever existed on the face of the Earth is: poetry. And everyone knows that all the best poems rhyme. Sure, rhythm and meter are all fine and good. But rhyming — now that takes talent! You know what poems that don’t rhyme are called? “Lame.”

So it follows that anything worth its salt not only should have a poem written about it, but also should be the basis of that poem’s rhyme scheme. (Hey, I don’t make the rules!) (OK, maybe I do.) And in this capacity, again, rock excels. Need proof? Then read this great poem I wrote! It only took me a week and a half:

It won’t be a shock
when you all vote for rock;
Danny and Pat’s claims are a crock,
and their faces I mock.
Did I mention I have a glock?
NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK!!!

Meanwhile, Danny would have to write a poem about a raper — and NOBODY likes rapers, not even their moms, I bet — and Pat would have to write a poem about, um, schmissors. Good luck with that, Pat.

• Rock has seniority. Rock has been around FOREVER. Probably even longer than your grandma. And because it’s so old, rock has seen a lot in its day. Like dinosaurs! Speaking of which, when all the dinosaurs died, you know what they did? They like turned into rock. That’s how awesome rock is — so awesome that already-awesome dinosaurs were like, “You know what? We’re not quite awesome enough. Let’s die and become rocks! Wooo!” And then they did. You know what dinosaurs DIDN’T do? Turn into paper or scissors. And, honestly, can you blame them?

Here’s another way to look at it: Rocks are like the wise village elder who’s been around so long and has experienced so much that he gets to make all the rules and give people advice and cure their mysterious illnesses and stuff. Whereas paper and scissors are, like, the village idiots. Because they’re stupid.

So, yeah. Rock is the best. The End.

Danny

My esteemed colleagues would have you believe that there is a contest to be had here, but they are mistaken.  Paper is the clear winner in this debate.

Paper covers rock.  There’s no debate there.  Rock crushes scissors.  Everyone knows that.  Well, if my 1st year mathematics class taught me anything it’s that by transitive relation if Paper > Rock and Rock > Scissors, then Paper > Scissors.  Look it up people, this is basic math.

If paper can cover rock and be declared the winner, then surely paper can also cover scissors.  Scissors come packaged in cardboard (read, “tough paper”), they are tamed by it.

Since the three of us work for the newspaper, we know the power of the printed word.  Once you distribute something on paper a few thousand times, it becomes irrefutable fact.  Observe:

That’s today’s paper declaring paper the winner.  A fact that was shown in a study, so it must be true.  It’s certainly not a badly Photoshopped image using the wrong fonts and a boring image.  I guess it was a slow news day or something.

If you need further proof of paper’s clear superiority, consider paper’s flexibility and shape changing ability.  I could go on for a few sentences explaining what I’m talking about, but instead, I made this on my lunch break.

Debate over.

ppemberton

Wow. So Danny and Chrissy think the best way to put forth a logical argument is to refer to cartoons and rhyming poems.

Somewhere Aristotle is rolling in his grave. In fact, so’s my college philosophy professor – and he’s not even dead yet.

Speaking of college -- Danny and Chrissy, your respective schools just called. After reading your faulty arguments, they’re repealing your degrees.

Fortunately, I learned me a little somethin’ about philosophy and logic, which will assist me in kicking royal butt with this here debate. Which really isn’t a debate at all since scissors clearly dominate.

I’ll start with the game Rock Paper Scissors before hacking apart Danny’s and Chrissy’s arguments..

Rock Paper & Scissors

First of all, everyone knows that scissors opens the proverbial can of Whup Ass against paper, which I think is fairly evident by this photo.

As for rock, among RPS experts, it’s a well known fact that amateurs go with rock first because they think rock is all big and bad. But guess what? Rock’s not enough bad enough to take on wimpy little paper. Ha – wuss!

And, yeah, they say rock “crushes” scissors. But think about it: Scissors are made of metal. If you were to drop a rock on scissors, would they actually crush?

Bend maybe. Not crush. In fact, I’m willing to bet you could still use scissors -- to massacre paper yet again -- immediately after a so-called crushing. You could even try to crush scissors over and over. But scissors would only bend a little more. Meanwhile, slam that rock down enough times, and that baby will become a pile of sand while scissors laughs maniacally before deciding to cut on paper a little more because, well, hey -- it’s been a stressful day and why not.

Hacking Apart Danny & Chrissy’s Arguments

I thought it was odd that Danny would refer to paper’s importance – while writing for the Internet! Thanks for proving how worthless paper is. Maybe next week you’ll extol the virtues of beepers.

Now rocks were good for making homes – back when people made castles. But now they’re good for, uh, let’s see . . .

Rock gardens?

Pet rocks?       

You catch my drift – paper and rock are old news. But we’ll always need scissors.

Have you ever had surgery? Chances are the doctor didn’t use a rock to open your chest cavity.

Or wait – have you ever been trapped in a badly mangled car after an accident, only to have emergency workers free you with a ream of paper?

I didn’t think so. You’re probably alive today because of the Jaws of Life, which are – you guessed it – big ‘ole scissors.

So if you want to create a cute little rhyming poem or a rock garden, go along with Danny and Chrissy. If you want to live, choose scissors.