Have you heard which seminal multiplatinum record-selling, No. 1 hit-making, world-dominating '80s band is reuniting after spending 15 years in near obscurity?

OMG! It's NKOTB!!!

Only these days, they look more like this:

And that's undoubtedly after they Photoshopped away their wrinkles, gray hair, double chins, love handles, walking canes, orthopedic shoes, Members Only jackets and fedoras.

Because they're totally old!

Of course, I'm old now, too. Older than I was back when I had New Kids on the Block posters on my bedroom wall, wore New Kids on the Block pajamas, repeatedly called Dial MTV to request New Kids on the Block songs, watched full-length New Kids on the Block videos, collected New Kids on the Block stickers, begged my parents to order New Kids on the Block concerts on pay-per-view, dreamed about the New Kids on the Block at night, spoke in a secret language I made up that was comprised entirely of New Kids on the Block lyrics and lobbied my congressman for a constitutional amendment that would allow me to marry all five New Kids on the Block simultaneously. (I was a pretty big fan.)

You'd think I'd be pretty stoked to hear that the New Kids are ready to step (by step!) their way back into America's heart. But ... I'm not. I guess that means I'm old enough to know better.

I tried to be excited about it, though. I came home from work last night, slipped into a pair of acid-washed jeans with ripped knees and tight-rolled ankles, put on my Debbie Gibson hat, popped "Teen Riot" into my iMac and played my favorite New Kids jam: "You Got It (The Right Stuff)."

After I finished dancing around my bedroom, I sat back down at my computer and thought long and hard about the potential ramifications of this reunion. I kept coming back to one thing:

They're totally old!

As much as I enjoy listening to some classic "Hangin' Tough" every now and then, do I really want to hear a bunch of 40-year-old men warbling about how they're rough and they're going to put me in a trance with a funky song and I'm gonna get stomped? No, because that's ridiculous. Forty-year-old men aren't rough or funky, and they certainly don't stomp — their bones are too brittle. One of Donnie's signature onstage pelvis pumps would probably throw out his back.

The only exciting thing about the New Kids getting back together is that it means I've lost a bet. I know that doesn't sound exciting, but get this: the payoff is fondue! Which means that even though I have to pay for it, I still get to eat it, because fondue is meant to be shared! And I love sharing! As long we're not sharing germs. Because that's gross. Almost as gross as onstage pelvis pumping by a middle-aged has-been. But not quite.