So I was totally going to confiscate Chrissy's identity in this grand, nefarious plan, by posting a photo of her on my ID in place of the low-budget Darth Vader mask, but the only picture I had was on my cell phone from this one time I tricked her into letting me take her picture by convincing her I was testing out the new camera function.

Rewind to sometime in April 2006:

Me: "Hey, let me take your picture."

Chrissy: "Why do you want to take my picture?"

Me: "Because I just got this new phone, and I want to see how it works."

Chrissy: "Take a picture of Andy."

Me: "No, I have to take a picture of you so it matches with your number when you call me."

Chrissy: "I don't ever call you."

Me: "But someday you might. Or you might send me a text. You do do that."

Chrissy (rolling her eyes): "Whatevs."

Me: "Okay, smile ..."

Click.

Me: "No, that one didn't work. Smile ..."

Click.

Me: "No, you have a weird look. Smile ..."

Click.

Me: "Okay, that'll do."

Fast forward to some time last week, when Chrissy was bragging about how her blog had, like, the highest number of hits ever on myslocounty.com, 14 gazillion or something, and how she was the greatest blogger and everyone loves her, blah blah blah.

I told her it was only because was a girl and she has that picture up there with her and Lindsay Lohan doused in silver paint like the Tin Man. (What the hell is that, anyway?)

I said, "I'm just going to put a picture of you on my blog, and then I'll have just as many hits. You'll see. Just you wait."

I think I stuck my tongue out at her, jammed my thumbs in my ears and waggled my fingers.

I may have also said, "Nyah, Nyah, you can't stop me."

Fast forward to tonight, when I went to execute my devious and ingenious plan.

So I go to my cell phone, find the photo, select my home e-mail and hit send. Then, I run to the computer, check the e-mail, and find ... nothing.

So I wait a few minutes, pounding on the "get mail" button ever so often, only to hear the disappointing "doink!" sound that means no new mail.

After seven hours of this futility, give or take 6 hours and 45 minutes or so, I sit here still, stymied by technology.

But rather than try to fix the problem (because that would take effort and some kind of IT knowledge and I'm not Danny after all), I decided a rant would do me more good, seeing as I haven't found anything to hate in the last couple of days and God knows it wasn't going to come from tonight's softball game, which we won, 31-10! Yes, we rock.

So for the time being, Chrissy, you are off the hook and will remain queen of the myslocounty.com hit count.

But you better watch your back, because next time you turn your virtual self around, you might see yourself, only it might possibly not be you, very likely won't be you, but instead someone else, who might look like you and sound like you, sort of, but maybe not quite.

And that's all I have to say about that.