jtarica

Okay, so after being bored to tears by the John vs. Paul grudge match a couple weeks ago, I pleaded for something more entertaining.

Danny, never one to look a gift grudge match in the mouth, happily accepted the Def Leppard vs. Poison proposition, and we enlisted Matt Lazier as the counterpoint. I let Matt pick which band he wanted to champion, because, truth be told, they both suck, so picking a side is like choosing a least painful method of torture.

Matt, being the faithful hard rock/heavy metal fan that he is, took the easy route and picked Leppard, leaving me to defend the likes of a band made up of guys with names like Rikki Rockett. I'm already at a disadvantage.

Anyhow, here are 9 reasons why Poison rocks the pants off those Union Jack-waving pansies from England.

1. This is a no-brainer. You can't rock hard-core with a drummer who has only one arm. Whatever fame and quality Def Leppard enjoyed came to an end the day Rick Allen plowed his 'Vette through a wall on a little drive through the hills of Sheffield. Sure, early Def Leppard had some nice hits and Pyromania was a cool album. But once Allen dragged his carcass back on the throne and tried to lead the band with his feet, any sense of rock glory evaporated. Probably because it's hard to get a good beat going when every song can be no more sophisticated than the rhythm "boom-boom-chick, boom-boom-chick." Just listen to "Pour Some Sugar on Me." Was ever a more simplistic, moronic little ditty ever written?

2. Speaking of "Pour Some Sugar on Me," the song is the crown jewel of a litany of crappy Leppard songs. Think "Love Bites" ("Love bites! Love bleeds!"), "Let's Get Rocked" ("Let's get, let's get, let's get, let's get
rocked!") and the ridiculously stupid "Armageddon it" ("Are you gettin' it?
Armageddon it!") I don't even know what that means.

3. They're British.

4. Poison has C.C. DeVille, and the dude is a hoot. He was on "The Surreal Life," AND he has the distinction of once appearing (with the rest of the
cast) on KSBY as a guest anchor. He wasn't half bad. It was part of KSBY's attempt to capture the 18-34 demographic and the most amusing programming they've done since Tony Cipolla ran around the county doing everyone's job for them. C'mon Matt, you know you can't argue the quality of this point!

5. The story is Poison picked that name in response to parents complaining that rock music was "poisoning" their kids. Yes, stick it to the man!

6. The Poison band members were constantly getting into fights. Bret Michaels and C.C. DeVille once got into a brawl after the MTV Video Music Awards in 1991.

7. When Poison was auditioning guitarists, they picked DeVille over Slash, and how lucky are we? Think how boring the band would have been with that mop-headed void-of-a-personality on stage? Okay, so maybe the music would have been better, but who cares about that? It's glam rock, baby!

8. Def Leppard is now touring with Styx and REO Speedwagon. Why don't they just completely cash it in and join up with Kenny G and Enya? Maybe they can open the fair this year for Boz Scaggs.

9. Poison has a song called, no kidding, "I Hate Every Bone in Your Body..." Well, you can look up the rest of the name yourselves. Game. Set. Match.

Okay, Matt you're on. Bring it.

ShortieScribe

It's been many a year since I was what could by any stretch of reality be considered a real fan of Def Leppard. But that's OK. You don't gotta be a fanatic to know they win the poodle metal battle against Poison any day of the week.

My colleague Joe calls mine the easy argument. He's right, but simply because it's an argument for the truth. Allow me to counterpoint some Joe's misunderstandings and raise a few points of my own to show you why Def Leppard wears the hair metal crown (at least over Poison):

1. Let's the get the whole "one-armed drummer" thing out of the way post haste. I can't think of a single song by either Leppard or Poison that ventures out of the standard 4/4 time signature. So it's not like either of these dudes needs to be Neil Peart. Rick Allen may not be able to do a tight drum roll like he did before he celebrated New Year's Eve by rolling his sports car. But guess what: He's still a better drummer, sans Leftie, than Rikki Rockett is with all four of his limbs.

2. The "guys" in Poison look like a bunch of kids who spent the afternoon playing in their mom's makeup kit.

3. And yet, for their outward glam appearances, the Poison kids have no appreciation for the real glam scene of the '60s and '70s. On the contrary, the Leppard guys often pay homage to the likes of Mott the Hoople, Gary Glitter and T. Rex. And who has Poison covered? Oh yeah — Loggins and Messina. Barf.

4. For all their glam influence, though, the Leps also have displayed a decent heavy rock pedigree in the past — certainly tougher than anything Poison ever puked out. Joe can point out all the watery hits from "Hysteria" and "Adrenalize". But go back to the band's first couple albums — especially "High 'n' Dry" — and you'll find a healthy dose of AC/DC-influenced hard rock, complete with Joe Elliot shrieks that would've fit "Back In Black" just fine.

5. None of the Leppard members, to my knowledge, has ever had to stoop to reality TV, a la "Rock of Love with Bret Michaels" or C.C.'s stint on "The Surreal Life".

6. What's more rock 'n' roll than living fast and dying young? Longtime Leppard guitarist Steve Clark drank and drugged himself into oblivion in 1991 at age 30. The closest Poison can get: They gave C.C. the boot in 1992 because he's an annoying little squirt — only to beg him to come back four years later, when they realized they only sucked that much more without him.

7. Do you really want to get into an argument over dumb lyrics, Joe? I mean, "Unskinny Bop", "Talk Dirty to Me" and "I Want Action" aren't exactly competing with Dylan or Bono in depth department. This whole point of debate is moot anyway. We're looking for gravity in hair metal? C'mon ...

8. After Steve Clark croaked, Def Leppard found a new guitarist: Vivan Campbell, who played in New-Wave-of-British-Heavy-Metal outfit Sweet Savage and later helped former Black Sabbath singer and all-around metal elf Ronnie James Dio write such classics as "Rainbow In the Dark" and "The Last In Line". That's more rockin' than anything any other Leppard or Poison members have ever pulled off.

9. Poison's current tourmates: Dokken and former Skid Row screamer Sebastian Bach. Um, neither of them wrote "Mr . Roboto" last I checked, Joey.