Grudge match: Han Solo vs. Indiana Jones
No contest here. Han Solo wins hands down.
There are some similarities here; Indy fights Nazis while Han fights Storm Troopers, which are essentially the intergalactic version of Nazis. Han definitely plays a larger part in taking down the Empire than Indy does taking down the Third Reich though. Indy actually came face-to-face with Hitler and did nothing, so he definitely loses points there.
Both Han and Indy shoot first, even if in subsequent remakes, Lucas bizarrely decided to change that for Han.
Both characters have their mean sides. Han is the outwardly materialistic rascal with a heart of gold, while Indy is the polar opposite appearing as a respectable doctor of archeology, who is also a cutthroat scavenger of artifacts.
Both are super smooth, they both get great one liners and both get the girl, although the quality of girl definitely swings towards Han (see below).
Now lets look at all the reasons Han is better than Indy:
|
Indy |
Han |
Sidekick |
Short Round. That irritating little Chinese orphan who gave provides the "comic relief". With gems of lines such as "Okey dokey Dr. Jones. Hold on to your potatoes." he makes me want to tear my ears off . |
Chewbacca. Come on, who wouldn't want a Wookie backing you up? At the first sign of trouble Chewy starts roaring and ripping off arms. |
Transportation |
Combination of trains, biplanes and mine cars. OK, so the mine cars are pretty cool, and Indy does decapitate someone with a plane, but they are all decidedly low-tech. Also Indy can’t land a plane to save his life. |
Millennium Falcon. Arguably the most awesome spaceship ever. She'll make point five past light speed, plus Han knows some "maneuvers" |
Weapon |
Whip. OK, Indy does get a cool weapon, it's kind of his trademark, so I don't grudge him that. |
Blaster. Sadly, Han doesn't get to use a lightsaber, but a blaster is a decent alternative. |
Girl |
"Willie" (Kate Capshaw). I'm pretty sure she only got the part because she was sleeping with the director. Her entire purpose in the movie was the need to be rescued. Indy would have been better off letting her be sacrificed. |
Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher). This is more like the kind of girl you want on your side. You do something to hurt Han, you have Leia to deal with. She killed Jabba the Hutt and countless storm troopers. She’s rich and a well educated member of the aristocracy. No Contest. |
Weakness |
"Snakes...I hate snakes." |
Carbonite. |
So there you have it, a conclusive argument for why Han beats Indy. I know Pat will try to find an argument to the contrary, but there is none to be had. Indy might be cool, but Han is cooler, that’s all there is to it.
Well, Danny makes a nice argument, complete with his cute little chart, citing real noteworthy things like sidekicks, space ships and blasters. But Indiana Jones is obviously light years cooler than Han Solo simply because of one thing:
The hat.
Yeah, I know what you’re saying: “The hat??? That’s absurd! What kinda argument is that!”
But in the back of your mind, you’re like, “Sure, it is a pretty cool hat.” And if you’re a guy, chances are you’ve gone through a phase where you actually wanted to buy an Indiana Jones hat, even though you’d never come close to looking as cool as Harrison Ford in it. (In fact, chances are you’d look like a huge, fedora-wearing dork.)
Of course, when I say “the hat,” I don’t just mean the hat, even though that’s exactly what I said. What I mean is that the hat signifies the coolness that is Indiana Jones.
Sure, Han Solo has his little vests. But what’s up with the hair? When I see him now, I get flashbacks to BJ and the Bear.
You can’t have Greg Evigan hair AND be cool; It just doesn’t work.
And as far as Indy having the inferior sidekick, transportation and weapons, I think that’s more of a testament to him. Another words, he had to do more with less. Heck, look at all the help Han Solo had – droids, wookiees, Klingons – the guy had more teammates than Derek Jeter.
And as for special lady friends, I realize Princess Leia is the cornerstone of every nerd’s twisted late night fantasy, but let’s not dismiss Kate Capshaw. In fact, who would you rather see in that skimpy Princess Leia outfit today?
For my money, I’d say Capshaw – or, better yet, Keira Knightly. But that’s probably for another discussion.
So what was I saying? Oh yeah – the hat.
It’s so cool.
And since cool is what every kid, aged 1-70, aspires to, I gotta go with the guy who wore the cool hat.
That’s right – the Hamburglar.
No, wait. I mean, that dude with the cool hat and the whip.
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How is a fedora a cool hat? I mean, who even wears fedoras, besides old men playing chess at the senior center and insufferable hipsters trying desperately to be ironic? That's hardly good company.
And isn't it weird that a guy like that would insist on wearing a hat all the time, even when he's busy running from humongous boulders and jumping from boxcar to boxcar and swinging over abysses and whatnot. Wouldn't a hat be detrimental in such circumstances? How vain is this guy? His hat was probably always slipping off in the middle of the action, and then he'd have to stop fighting the Nazis or whoever to grab it and put it back on, but first he'd have to find a mirror to make sure he was achieving the proper action-hero hat tilt, and then Nazis would laugh at him because not only was he a total pansy pretty boy, he also had really bad hat head. So, he basically put himself at a disadvantage there, endangering himself and his cause, all in the name of fashion.
And that's why I'm voting for the Hamburglar. Wait, that's not a choice?
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Are you meaning the guy with the whip ... or the guy with the hat ... does the guy with the whip have a hat... or does the guy with the hat have more toys? Does the guy who came second have a whip? I'm confused.
I like the guy with the hat but I'm not so keen on the whip. I would prefer ... the toys. (What are the toys?!)
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Han Solo is the best in this "contest". What exudes masculinity more than keeping Luke alive and wooing a hot, intelligent woman who borderline hates you at some points? The man is confident and much smarter than he has people believe that he is. Calm under pressure...destroys armies on the galactic scale...
Why are we even considering Indy again?
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I originally lobbied Danny for a third vote option of "it's a tie." But he wouldn't go for it, something about a fight to the death and only one could win. So facing this crisis of indecision, I decided to leave it up the debaters to convince me.
Based on that, Han wins hands down, because Pat couldn't make a convincing point if it jabbed him in the ass.
That's it, Pat? The hat? That and Kate Capshaw is your argument? Please ...
Even though I voted for Han, I have to step in here and at least make a better case why Indiana Jones deserves decent treatment:
1. He found the Ark of the Covenant AND the Holy Grail. I think all Han ever found was black-market pod-racer parts, which he trucked around under the floorboards of the Millennium Falcon.
2. Not only did Han have more friends, but he could count on them to the end. Indy succeeded in spite of his inept band of cohorts. Short Round was actually the best of his sidekicks. Marcus Brody was constantly getting himself into trouble. Indy's dad couldn't NOT get captured by the Nazis. And don't even get me started on that freaking monkey.
3. Indy ate baby snakes and eyeball soup.
4. Indy was constantly getting dragged behind trucks, dumped in with rats and snakes, thrown off of bridges, tossed into Egyptian tombs and pummeled by German thugs. Han just got freeze-dried for a few months and came out with a mild case of pink eye.
5. From the get-go, people were constantly double-crossing Indy, from that first dude who tried to snake the idol and leave Indy in the dart cave to that dumb blonde Nazi sympathizer in the "Last Crusade."
7. Indy's CONSTANTLY scoring on the babes, like non-stop. If he's not falling into a pit, he's charming his way into some woman's bed. I'm not sure to this day if Han ever got together with Leia. Did he? Maybe that night in the Ewok forest after the fireworks. That might have been his moment.
Last but not least (and this isn't going to help me make my point but is a reason why I can't go along with Pat's argument), every kid does not aspire to wear a cool hat (maybe YOU did, Pat). Most kids aspire to sling on bandoliers of ammo like Rambo and gun down legions of bad guys without suffering nary a nick. Laser guns and spaceships kick ass over felt headwear any day.
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I can't honestly pick and won't. For nerds -this is like having your mom and dad hanging off the edge of a cliff and you have to pick one to save.
So instead of examining their positives, I decided to look at what is bad about them.
Indiana Jones:
1. He's named after the dog. -- Cutesy little joke tacked on to the end of the Last Crusade that totally undermines Jones' hard exterior. I'll happily blame George Lucas for that.2. He's scared of snakes -- you've seen guys faces melt off, but you freak out like a school girl when you see a snake on a plane
3. He's a bad teacher--He tells his students that X never marks the spot - but of course it does. He doesn't tell the students there is money in archaelogy, but he finds cool gold stuff all the time. He's just eliminating his future competition by telling them archaeology is no fun.
4. "It belongs in a museum" -- So noble Dr. Jones..why are you asking the museum to pay you for your efforts though? I mean if you really are sick of treasure hunters keeping things to themselves..why not volunteer or donate to the museum? marcus brody is so stupid you probably are ripping him off.
5. He just shoots people and leaves them to die -- sure that guy had a sword and was probably going to try to kill you, but shooting him and leaving him in the street? It's Egypt, I doubt they just let foreign archaeologist shoot their citizens - let alone run around with pistols...
6. Made another Sequel after "LAST" Crusade -- I worry for you, Dr. Jones. We saw what the prequels did to Star Wars, made George Lucas a few kajillion more dollars and ruined 3 amazing films. Whatever happens I will still love you, but I don't want to hve kids running around quoting Shia LaBouef's Jar-jar esque lines. Please I beg you Steven Spielberg - I hope you kept Lucas in his place and make this movie good.
7. The Hat - Don't get me wrong, I love the hat, but the hat is Indiana's. I can't wear it - nobody else looks cool in it, because nobody else is as cool as indiana jones. I have never seen a guy where that hat and not thought, "wanna-be". It sucks for us, not so much for Indiana.
Han Solo -
1. He's a criminal. He's wanted by the Empire for smuggling... he was smuggling "spice" for sloth & gluttony sinning crime boss Jabba the Hutt... that just doesn't sound like a good role model for kids.
2. He's cruel to effeminate droids. -- C-3PO is probably gay and Han Solo is REALLY mean to him.
3. Who Shot First? -- I love Han Solo because he shot first when the bounty hunter draws on him - but then Lucas changes his mind... and it ruins his character for the future generations.
4. You've got 3 movies, Indy will have 4 -- While I would love to see Han Solo on the big screen again, I'm betting if it happens, it won't be the same. AT LEAST, Indy has Steven Speilberg to protect Indy. Can't say the same for Solo.
5. You are a sci-fi character -- some people just don't like Star Wars. I don't understand why, but it is true. Some people don't like the PEW-PEW-PEW and space ships and they don't think star wars is cool because Star Trek ruined sci-fi and made it a genre run and for nerds.
6. Solo? -- Your character is a loner and your last name is Solo. George Lucas shows his true genius. Did you know Darth Vader is basically Star Wars-ese for Dark Father... Lucas is so clever.
7. Upstager - Name actors from star wars that are still able to lead a movie to success... it is a short list.
Who wins? Harrison Ford. I'm sorry for creating my own option, but seriously - harrison ford wins. He's a household name because of these characters and will always draw people into the theaters to see that grin. I saw a recent interview where he said "He's the most understood actor in Hollywood." and its true. Harrison Ford = money in the filmmakers pocket. His name will get people in the seats. He may never win an oscar outright, but he'll always be remembered as one of the most important actors - ever - period.
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Good thing Pat has you to make his argument for him, because the hat line was really just pathetic. Sorry, Pat, but, really? The hat? AND none of you mentioned Karen Allen. Isn't that some other male fantasy? A woman who can hold her liquor? Plus she kicks ass. You all had to focus on the lame chick from the movie I don't watch who's only weapon is fruit. Speaking of fruit, you forgot Sallah and his talent for catching poisoned dates seconds before Indy swallows them whole.
So, Joe, thanks for making a legitimate argument on Indy's behalf... and I guess I can forgive you for voting for Han Solo given your love for Star Wars (as evidenced by the heap of dolls you let the kids play with and the fact that you're Darth Vader). I'm betting the reason you pulled them out for the kids was so you'd have an excuse for playing with them again yourself.
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Isn't it awe-inspiring that a guy like that would assert on cutting a hat all the time testinside 642-446, even if he's active active from humongous boulders and jumping from boxcar to boxcar and accepted over abysses and whatnot. Wouldn't a hat be adverse in such circumstances? testinside 220-602 How arrogant is this guy? His hat was apparently consistently bottomward off in the average of the action, and again he'd accept to stop angry the Nazis or whoever to grab it and put it aback on, but aboriginal he'd accept to acquisition a mirror to accomplish abiding he was accomplishing the able action-hero hat tilt, and again Nazis would beam at him because not alone was he a absolute chichi appealing boy testinside 220-601, he aswell had absolutely bad hat head. So, he basically put himself at a disadvantage there, endangering himself and his cause testinside 83-640, all in the name of fashion.
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Both characters have their mean sides. Han is the outwardly materialistic rascal with a heart of gold, while Indy is the polar opposite appearing as a respectable doctor of archeology, who is also a cutthroat scavenger of artifacts. buzz lightyear costume
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Online Editor said,
Mon, 03/10/2008 - 4:28pm -
Sorry, Danny. I do have some love for Han Solo, and especially the Millenium Falcon (still have one in the basement). But Indiana just exudes more masculinity and action-hero-ness than Han Solo. Plus I agree with Pat about the hat. And if you're going to bring up annoying sidekicks from sequels, I just have to say: Ewoks.