jtarica

This week, Chrissy and I will fill in for Danny, who's playing new papa at home, and Pat, who has no excuse (other than that he's Pat). We are here to argue the shortcomings and merits of muppets.

I will take the anti-muppet stance and go first, because Chrissy is lazy and too busy stalking my childhood in Marin County to actually help get this week's installment going.

I hate muppets. Here's why:

• If your mouth extends all the way to the back of your neck and holds your brain by an unnervingly thin thread thus allowing your cranium to flop around uncontrollably, you're a muppet and you suck.
• All muppets talk in vague variations of simultaneously high-pitched and gutteral bertanderniespeak, which is annoying and creepy. Seriously, could Jim Henson have a hired a couple actors to do voiceover ever? Cheap bastard ...
• Muppets have no legs. Creatures without legs are not to be trusted. Snakes have no legs, amoebas have no legs, Pat Pemberton has no-- wait, he does have legs, but he still can't be trusted.
• I can't get behind the creation of an entire universe of characters that was constructed from various swatches of old bath robes. Again, note to Henson, there are other fabrics besides terry cloth, you could have tried a few, for kicks, once in a while. Just think how cool a latex Kermit the Frog would have been? Or a patent-leather Count Whatshisname?
• Making characters of a couple of old grumpy guys isn't funny, it just reminds you of all the REAL grumpy people out there.
If Bert and Ernie were gay, why did they sleep in separate beds? If the show was really progressive, they would have been out of the closet and loving it.
• Oscar the Grouch ... again, why all the gratuitous negativity? Aren't these guys supposed to be positive role models for kids? What's the model here? Act like an a-hole and you too can grow up and live in a Dumpster?
Miss Piggy looks like a drag queen.
• Are Cookie Monster and Grover related? If so Cookie Monster's probably Grover's loser brother-in-law who's only notable quality is coming over and eating all of the dude's food.
• Why does the scientist guy need glasses if he has no eyes?
• On Dick Clark's Decrepit Rockin' Give It Up Already New Year's Eve Bash this past Dec. 31, some muppets showed up to make happy talk with Ryan Seacrest, proving the "American Idol" host has less genuine personality than a couple of schmoes with scraps of bath towels on their hands. He also called Kermit the Frog, "Kerms." Please, shoot me now.
• Last but not least: Big Bird. Wow, the creativity in the naming simply astounds the mind. Not even Giant Bird, or Humongous Bird, or even Bird of Unusual Size (aka B.O.U.S.) ... just Big Bird. I'm at a loss for words, at last.

Chrissy, take it away. It's all on your shoulders to find the redeeming qualities in a bunch of stuffed washcloths. Good luck ...

chrissy

I love the Muppets!

One of my coffee table books is "Sesame Street Unpaved." I have "Movin' Right Along" on my iPod. There's a sticker on my computer at work that features Oscar the Grouch proclaiming, "You name it, I hate it!"

Yeah, I'm kind of a dork. But can you blame me? The Muppets are great!

I guess you could make the argument that I'm biased, as I've been told that, with my relatively large head, big mouth and skinny, wildly flailing arms, I bear more than a passing resemblance to a Muppet myself. But if that were the case, then Joe would like the Muppets, too. Because have you ever seen a more uncanny resemblance?

Separated at birth:

Now, I've read Joe's anti-Muppet diatribe, and it appears his main reasons for hating the Muppets are as follows:

• Muppets are funny-looking.
• Muppets are grumpy sometimes.
• Muppets are friends with Ryan Seacrest.

Which is, of course, ironic, because as you may have gathered from reading the Grudge Match so far:

• Joe is funny-looking.
• Joe is grumpy sometimes.
• Joe wishes he were friends with Ryan Seacrest.

Looks like Joe and the Muppets have a lot in common! So how can he possibly hate them?

The thing is: He really doesn't.

What's it called when someone announces he hates something and then goes to great lengths to show how inferior that thing is, but really, deep down inside, he knows he actually is that something but is afraid to acknowledge it, and that's why he tries to do everything he can to distance himself from it? I don't know either, but whatever it is, that's what's going on here:

Joe only says he hates Muppets because he is ashamed to admit that he IS a Muppet.

Let's go over the evidence using Joe's own arguments

• Muppets' voices are high-pitched yet guttural. So is Joe's voice. If you've ever heard him yelping on the softball field, or sitting in his cubicle crying about how bad the Dodgers suck, then you know it's true. So he must be a Muppet.
• Muppets don't have legs. Actually, that statement is incorrect. How else could Bert do the pigeon, or Grover dance to disco music, or Miss Piggy roller skate? Muppets DO have legs. As does Joe. Because he's a Muppet.
• Muppets appear to be constructed entirely out of old bathrobes. So does Joe's wardrobe! He's clearly a Muppet.
• Miss Piggy looks like a drag queen. Joe does, too. See? Totally a Muppet.

I could go on, but you get the idea. Joe's a self-loathing Muppetphobe.

But Joe, there's no reason to be! Because Muppets are great! They sing lots of catchy songs, they make really funny jokes and — best of all — they've taught millions of children around the world all kinds of useful things, like the difference between big and little, how to catch a fish and the basics of hard-hitting investigative journalism.

Nothing to be ashamed of there!

In fact, being a Muppet is something to be proud of. In 40 years, the Muppets have done more for the children of this nation — nay, the world! — than Joe "the human" will ever do, even if he lives to be, like, 107 bazillion years old.

Which is why Joe should just embrace his Muppetosity. He needs to put on his bathrobe, flop that enormous cranium of his around and sing. Sing a song. Sing out loud. Sing out strong!

And tell Ryan Seacrest I said hi.