ppemberton

In the wake of a pretty fantastic Super Bowl finish, I think this is a good time to sit back and reflect on how much better football is than soccer.

Of course, the Europeans will tell you that soccer is football. But that’s absurd.

Football is football. Soccer is that goofy sport where you can’t use your hands. The one where guys have one-word names and head butt each other when they’re mad (because, apparently, they can’t even use hands when they fight).

Whenever the World Cup is on TV, I have to sigh at some of my co-workers who suddenly turn into soccer fans for a week. (It’s kind of like people who extol the virtues of Bob Dylan, but don’t own a single Dylan album.). Then I say something profound, usually like, “Don’t you know soccer sucks?”

But I know that – like any intelligent NFL fan -- I need to back that conclusion. So here’s why football is WAY better than soccer, which, by the way, really does suck:

1. Soccer = Giant Snooze Fest. Way too many games end up with scores of 1-0 and, uh . . . 1-0. In those rare times when it seems like someone might actually score a goal, some other dude usually just comes in and kicks the ball out of bounds, and no one gets close again for another 20 minutes.

Teams score in football. Some times a lot.

You ask me, I say soccer goals ought to be wider – like, say, the entire width of the field. Or maybe the goalie should be blindfolded. Or wait – how about if they make it so the ball explodes if the goalie doesn’t catch it just right? In fact, how about if we have the ball explode every time the game goes five minutes without a goal?  

1. Football players tackle each other. After a long stressful week, who doesn’t want to see a 300-pound gorilla lay into some pretty boy, millionaire quarterback? In soccer? They hit balls with their heads. Which, of course, leads to:
2. Soccer players hit balls with their heads. So let me get this straight. They CAN’T use their hands, but they CAN use their heads? Who came up with this?
3. Football halftime shows rock. Recent Super Bowls have featured Tom Petty, Paul McCartney, John Mellencamp and Prince. Who you got, soccer? Falco?
4. Football teams have cool uniforms. Do you think people drive around with Raiders stickers on their cars because the Raiders are good? Yeah, right. They do it because the logo looks cool. When was the last time you saw a sticker for the Chicago Fire?
5. Football cheerleaders. Were it not for cheerleaders, we wouldn’t have Paula Abdul today. And, uh . . . well --

Okay, I’ll give that one to soccer. But that means football wins, 5-1 – a score, by the way, you’ll NEVER see in soccer.

Danny

Pat, my misguided friend, while your points are well thought out and articulately made, you appear to have made some glaring omissions in your assessment.

As you stated, to us enlightened Europeans (and in fact, the rest of the world) soccer and football are one and the same thing. In fact, we only ever have to refer to the sport as "soccer" when talking to Americans.

You also mentioned that "soccer" is the "goofy sport where you can't use your hands". Let's take a look at this shall we... The name of the game is "football", do I need to give you a derivation here? The name really does imply the use of feet on a ball, don't you think? In your version of the sport, there's maybe one guy who uses his feet on the ball; in the sport the rest of the world watches, every player uses his feet. Makes sense doesn't it? Thought so.

Let's take a look at all the reasons "football" sucks:

1. There are (seemingly) hundreds of players on each team. You have a specific team for attacking, defending, kicking, returning the ball from a kick, etc. I mean come on, some of these guys must only play for no more than 10 minutes a game. A least in "soccer" you pretty much have the same players on the field from the start of the game to the end. Those guys earn their money.
2. "Football" games stop every time the ball goes dead so that they can all line up in formation and prance around. There's never any continuity to the flow of the game. How can you get into something when just as a play starts to get interesting, they stop and have a commercial break. You call "soccer" a snooze fest, I say the Pat's calling the kettle boring (or something).
3. "Football" halftime shows might rock, but they last forever. Come on, real athletes shouldn't need a hour to rest after having been on the field for less than a quarter of the game. Just get on with it - babies. Which brings me to my next point:
4. "Football" games last way too long. 12 minutes a quarter means a game should last 48 minutes. Let's say an hour including timeouts and halftime. Not the four hours of the Superbowl. I mean, I get that they want to stick as many commercials in there as they possibly can, but that's just ridiculous.

Really, a better comparison would be "football" Vs rugby, a game so vicious that only the truly tough, or completely insane will play it. I used to play, so you can draw your own conclusions there. Rugby is "football" without the sissy armour, and is a game where a play can last several minutes rather than a couple of seconds. You want a real sport, check out a rugby game, they take everything good about "soccer" and "football" and combine those things into pure awesome.